Sunday, February 12, 2012

I start tomorrow!

I can not wait to start this. I love the feeling of beginning a new try at something. The excitement you get when this will be the one. The one. The amount of times I have said that to myself. I can't, I won't let myself down this time. I can't fall apart again. Falling to pieces hurts like crazy. You feel like a fat failure. It's when the worst in me comes out. But tomorrow I start. They always say in fairy tales that tomorrow is a new day. Well for me it really is. And It can't come fast enough.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Hello : )

My name is April and I am 18 years old. I'm not sure how you came across this blog. You may have typed in a keyword and stumble a crossed it. Or maybe you were looking up pictures on Google and mine came up. Either way I am very glad that you are here. Let me tell you a little bit about me and why I created this blog.

Like I said my name is April.I was born on April 15, 1993. I am probably a typical teenage girl in most ways. I'm obsessed with Disney and Harry Potter. I'm also obsessed with loosing weight, and that's what this blog is about. I have been over weight for most of my life. I have always loved to eat because I grew up with  family that was happy pretty much only when they were eating. Starting from about the age of seven I began to eat much more than what was healthy. It was my way of coping. I started to gain weight rapidly and became over weight, the heaviest girl in my class. It wasn't something I was comfortable with but I didn't know what to do. By the time I got to middle school I was made fun of. People didn't hang out with me, I was lonely because I had no friends. This didn't help my whole eating situation and I began to eat more and more, trying to comfort myself using food to console myself. When I got to High School things were really out of control. I was deeply depressed, an emotional wreck. I had no friends, I was at a very unhealthy weigh, and I had developed the habit of hiding behind a plastered on smile. At some point I cracked. I decided I had to change myself, because then maybe I would have friends, then maybe I would be happy. I began to restrict the food I ate, in a slow process I had some how began to eat nothing for a couple of days to later to binge on all the food I had refused myself. I began to purge after binging hoping this would help. (though it didn't) After a while I think my parents began to notice something. They had of course noticed that I had stopped sneaking food from the cupboard at night. They took me to a concealer and I was diagnosed with binge eating disorder, along with anxiety and depression disorders. These sessions helped me a bit. I began to see myself a little better but I was still broken. By my senior year of high school I was able to cope. I still binged but I got better at hiding it. I was still depressed but I learned how to smile. My parents fell for this act and agreed to let me go to College. I chose a Christian University and decided to major in Nursing, something I had wanted to do since I was in second grade. Here I am now in college. I'm still broken and I am still hurting. I still put on a smile and I still pretend to be OK, but I'm not. I want to be thin so bad. I want to be thin and pretty. I want to fit in with the world because I'm so tired of being the outcast. So I'm creating this blog, as motivation and as a way to relieve my stress. I don't care if you read this, I don't care what you say. I know that my behavior is unhealthy and classifiably insane. I. DON'T. CARE. However, if you would like to follow me, if you've gone through a similar experience I would LOVE to talk to you. So here we are at the end of a very broken past. I'm on a journey to being a pretty thin girl. It's going to happen just wait and see.